My life has changed dramatically over the past week, and it’s become clear that things can never go back to the way they used to be. An abomination has descended upon my household, and I’m the only one who’s able to see it exactly for what it is.
I have only four words for you: “Harry Potter: Wizards Unite.”
For those not in the know, Wizards Unite is a new game that you can play on your phone. It’s kind of like Pokemon Go (I think?) but with Harry Potter stuff. Real-life locations are linked up to the game somehow, and if you go to the locations in real life, you can access stuff in the game. My husband and my kid are both addicted and their dirty little habit is now affecting my day-to-day life.
For example, last week the three of us went to the grocery store to grab some things for dinner. Afterwards, as I was backing out of my parking spot, my husband asked if I could do him a solid and drive the long way around the lot so that he could, actually, I don’t know WTF he needed to do. I think it was something about there being an energy reloading station nearby for the game? Because I am awesome, I agreed. I thought it would be no big deal. But then, this happened:
My husband: “WAIT! Stop right here!!”
Me: (slamming on the brakes in the middle of the parking lot) “What? What’s wrong?”
My husband: “It takes a minute for the energy to load. Plus I need to get this larva.”
My kid: “I have to get this dementor!”
Me: (waiting patiently until TEN minutes have passed) “Guys, I CANNOT sit here anymore! I’m leaving.”
My husband and my kid: (in unison) “NOOOOOO!”
I look over and see on my husband’s phone that there’s a purple unicorn all tangled up in rope, trying to get himself free. I tell him I need to go because the meat in the trunk is going to start getting funky as it’s 95 degrees out and anyway why is he trying to trap a unicorn like some kind of degenerate? He responds that he’s trying to FREE the unicorn and I’m actually the one who wants to keep it trapped because I’m insisting we drive away. So now I’M the bad guy.
My husband and kid are also constantly using nonsense words from this game in casual conversation. Thirty seconds cannot go by without them using the word “ebublio.” Apparently, it is a type of spell, and therefore a noun, but they both use it as any part of speech, i.e. “I haven’t ebublioed in a long time.” They’re like the Smurfs, but instead of using the word “smurf” for everything (“Papa Smurf smurfed that guy and it was smurftastic.”) they use “ebublio.” I have no idea what they’re saying now 50 percent of the time.
I pray for the day when this fad will pass and I can get my life back. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated at this time.