Lying through my teeth

Well, said, The Rock. May I call you The Rock?

If you are a kid, do not read any further. I don’t know why you’re reading my blog anyway, because it’s kind of innapropriate for you, but today’s post is REALLY not appropriate for you. So x out of here right now.

Ok, all you adults out there. Today I will be addressing the topic of the Tooth Fairy. More specifically, me as the Tooth Fairy. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed in this particular role lately for several reasons:

  1. I give the tooth-loser one silver dollar and one gold dollar in exchange for their tooth. I guess it’s because I always got silver dollars when I was a kid and these days the bank never has enough silver ones so I also have to get gold ones to have an ample supply. The problem is, I always stress out about running out. What happens if a tooth comes out when we all least expect it? And it’s after the bank has closed? And my supply of silver/gold dollars is empty? Then what?!?! The Tooth Fairy can’t just NOT show up! Oh, the horror.
  2. Incidentally, one time the Tooth Fairy did not show up, a.k.a. I forgot to take the tooth out and put the coins into the pouch. Since then I’ve been paranoid about it happening again. Worst. Mother/Tooth Fairy. Ever.
  3. I’m worried that some other kid is going to tell my kid I’m full of crap and that the Tooth Fairy really doesn’t exist.
  4. I fear that the tooth-loser will wake up while I’m trying to get the tooth pillow out from under him and the jig will be up. I’ve run through possible explanations in my mind so as to be prepared. Some options:
  • “Oh, hey there, I was just changing your sheets.”
  • “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just saw a spider crawl under your blanket and I was trying to get it.” (They’ll be too busy screaming to wonder what I’m really doing.)
  • “Oh no. I wandered into the wrong bed. Again.”
  • “Time for school!” (This one might pose a problem after an hour has passed.)

5.  I save every lost tooth. So the plan is in 20 years I’ll hand over a Ziplock bag full of baby teeth to each kid. I can’t imagine they won’t think I’m psychotic.

So I figure I’ll only have to stress out about this in the most immediate sense for another, say, seven or eight years. Whew. What are relief THAT will be.



  1. The Hill

    April 24th, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    I think kids will believe in the magical for as long as they want to. They might even feel like detectives if they work out it is a scam. The fact that kids get different amounts of money from the tooth fairy is always a bit of a tip off. I used to get 20p a tooth and some of my friends got a whole pound. What the hell was that about? Same goes for Father Christmas. Every parent seems to tell their kids a different version so everyone at school has a contradictory story. When you’re very little, the magic outways the logic, but as you get older you figure it out, but you don’t freak out, so I guess it’s just natural.

    If your kid wakes up while you’re in their room, can’t you just say you were checking on them? Isn’t that the kind of thing parents do?

    As for running out of coins – stock pile? You know how many teeth there are, so just get that many coins. You’re a very organised person, so I’m sure you’ll be able to keep an eye on the amount of dollars you have and make sure it doesn’t run out.

    I can remember when I was a kid and suspicious as to whether the tooth fairy was real or not, so I came up with a BRILLIANT test. Next time a tooth came out, I wouldn’t tell The Mother. I would place it under my pillow and wait until morning. If the tooth remained, then it was The Mother. If there was a coin, then it was fairies. GENIUS.

    Unfortunately, by the time my next tooth came out, I had matured enough to not believe in fairies any more. I was disappointed that common sense has answered the question I had been looking forward to proving with my keen scientific/detective skills. :/

  2. Meredith

    April 24th, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    I think I might hire you as my life coach.

  3. Liz Coley

    April 24th, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    In Columbus, if you go to the airport and park for half an hour and pay with a $20 bill when you exit, the machine will spit out 19 gold dollars in change for you. I’m not sure if the CVG machines do the same.

    I became very adept at waking my child with a hand slipped under the pillow to place the forgotten money. And even when I got there after they had checked and declared the Tooth Fairy a total failure, I just palmed the coin and “found” it fallen behind the mattress. SNEAKY.

  4. Meredith

    April 24th, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Wow, that is quite sneaky. I didn’t know you had this whole other side to you.

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