Well, it was a good run. Nine whole years without swearing in front of my kids. My streak ended Sunday. And it ended in style: with an f bomb.
You see, on Friday, my horrible day turned into a horrible week. Because sometime on Friday evening, my house got egged. Naturally, I was annoyed. I went outside and hosed down the dirty spots. But it didn’t work very well. Because when you let egg dry and harden onto a brick surface, it turns into glue. Which won’t come off with a hose.
Now, even more annoyed, I googled what was to be done. I learned I needed to apply a cleaner high in alkaline. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t have lye sitting around the house. The closest I could come was laundry detergent. So I mixed it with some water in a shallow container, took a scrub brush and my ladder, and went to work.
As I tried to climb the ladder (which I precariously balanced onto the bumpy, uneven mulched flower bed), placing the container full of water onto the little shelf, it started swishing everywhere–all over my pants, my sleeves, the ladder, the ground. I went up to the top rung and tried to scrub the brick with the brush, but I was only able to reach the bottom two inches of the three-foot-long egg white stain that touched down near the roof. AND the detergent wasn’t even getting that off.
I started cursing. Really badly. I cursed more in that 10-minute period than I have in my entire life.
But luckily, no one was around. The offense to my kid was committed the next day, as I was telling the story to a friend who was over. I went over the whole thing. I threw out the f word. I think it was twice. Might have even linked it up to the word mother. And then what happens?!?
I SEE MY KID’S HEAD POP UP OFF THE COUCH 15 FEET AWAY.
That little stinker was laying down so I didn’t know he was there. Our resulting conversation:
Me: Oh my goodness! I didn’t know you were there!
Kid: Yup. I was here the whole time.
Me: What did you hear?
Kid: I heard everything. I heard you telling the story about the egging. I heard you cursing. I HEARD EVERYTHING.
Me: Wow. It’s really hot in here. Is it really hot in here? (leave the room to turn up the air conditioner)
So, there it is. Parenting at its best.